Found

A few thoughts on the small, dark spaces of life.

Obligatory photo of me circa 1986. Out from inside the cabinet.

My grandmother was never a cook. She required only enough pots and pans to heat up a can of split pea soup for my grandfather or fry the occasional pork chop dusted in breadcrumbs. So, she always had plenty of empty storage space in the kitchen. Like so many homes built in the 1950’s, my grandparent’s kitchen had a single wall oven and separate cooktop with cabinet space underneath. When I was small enough to fit, I would take a blanket, a flashlight, my coloring book, and fold myself away among the saucepans and cutting boards.

In therapy years later, I would describe how small I could make myself in relationships. How I could grow so tiny and silent that I was practically invisible.

When was the last time you felt that way? The therapist would ask.

I’m not sure. I’d say. Then, I would describe how I could contort my four-year-old body to fit comfortably in a darkened kitchen cabinet and the strange sense of comfort it would bring.

But lately, I’ve been thinking about my grandmother. How she knew where I was all along. Eventually, she would shuffle into the kitchen in her slippered feet, open the two cabinet doors and smile at me. Sometimes, she’d hand me a small bowl of applesauce or a pillow from the bedroom or sometimes she would just open the doors and keep them open. I would watch her pink robe swing just above her pale ankles as she stood at the sink washing dishes and humming.

When I think of the small dark places I’d crawl into later in life - alcoholism, drug addiction, my eating disorder - none of them brought me the comfort of that small dark cabinet in my grandparent’s kitchen.

Because the comfort didn’t come from the space itself. It came from knowing I was going to be found.

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Moving forward, I want to keep exploring the small, dark spaces we tuck ourselves into as adults. How do we get there? Why do we stay? How do we turn on the light so we can feel seen? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

The next post will be more vulnerable, so it will be for paid subscribers only. Thank you to everyone who upgraded your subscriptions. For those of you who didn’t, I’ll still be offering free posts.